Angry on the Inside: Understanding ADHD and Anger in Women
- EGC Coaching
- Sep 16
- 4 min read
Have you ever been told you're "too sensitive" or that you're "overreacting"? If you're a woman with ADHD, particularly if you received your diagnosis later in life, these words might sound painfully familiar. You may have even whispered them to yourself.
But here's what's really happening: that irritability everyone sees on the surface,is often anger that's been pushed down so deep it has nowhere to go but inward.
When Anger Goes Underground
For many women with ADHD, anger doesn't announce itself with raised voices or dramatic confrontations. Instead, it shows up quietly, persistently, in ways that chip away at your well-being:
The voice in your head becomes your harshest critic. You tell yourself you're "too much" and "not enough" in the same breath.
Your body keeps the score. That perpetual tension in your jaw, the knots in your shoulders, the headache that's become your constant companion—these aren't random. They're your body trying to process what your mind won't let out.
Relationships feel like minefields. You snap at your kids over small things because you're actually overwhelmed by everything. You withdraw from your partner because engaging feels too risky. You smile and say "it's fine" when it absolutely isn't, then spend the rest of the day steeping in resentment.
Others become targets for feelings you can't name. You find yourself being critical of people around you, all while wrestling with jealousy and resentment you don't fully understand.
If you're nodding along, you're not alone. What you're experiencing is internalized or pent-up anger and it's incredibly common among women with ADHD.
What Causes Pent-Up Anger ?
Pent-up anger doesn't appear out of nowhere. It has roots, and understanding where it came from can help you finally address it and let it go.
Many of us learned early that expressing anger wasn't safe. Maybe you grew up in a home where showing frustration led to punishment or mockery. Perhaps you discovered that keeping the peace meant keeping quiet. Over time, suppression became your default setting.
For women with ADHD, there's an added layer: the constant feeling of being "in trouble." Years of letting people down (or believing you did), of feeling shame for being forgetful or disorganized, of hearing that you just need to "try harder", all of this makes speaking up feel even more impossible. It never feels like a level playing field.
Add ongoing stressors that feel beyond your control,work pressure, complicated family dynamics, unresolved personal struggles and you have a perfect recipe for anger that builds and builds with nowhere to go.
Why This Hits Women with ADHD Especially Hard
The relationship between ADHD and internalized anger runs deep. For women in particular, decades of being told to smile, be polite, and don't be difficult, creates a specific kind of emotional burden. Natural emotions get tangled up with shame.
Common triggers include:
Being dismissed or unheard in your relationships or workplace
Consistently putting your own needs last to avoid conflict
The weight of past trauma or years spent masking your ADHD symptoms
Co-occurring conditions like depression or anxiety
Physical factors including hormonal changes, chronic pain, or sheer exhaustion
There's Another Way
Here's the truth that might surprise you: anger isn't your enemy. It's actually a messenger, trying to tell you that something in your life needs attention.
The real work isn't eliminating anger, it's learning to channel it constructively instead of letting it corrode you from the inside out.
Strategies That Actually Help
Get your body involved. Physical movement is one of the fastest ways to shift stuck energy. Take a walk, have a dance party in your kitchen, do jumping jacks, whatever gets you moving and breathing.
Give your nervous system a reset. Deep breathing exercises, mindfulness practices, or even just lying on the floor for five minutes with your hand on your heart can help regulate your system. These aren't just woo-woo suggestions; they're evidence-based tools for managing emotional overwhelm.
Create something from the feeling. Journal without censoring yourself. Paint with abandon. Blast music and sing at the top of your lungs. Let the anger move through you and into something external.
Stop carrying it alone. Talk to someone you trust about what you're really feeling. Saying it out loud to a safe person can be incredibly powerful.
Challenge the narrative in your head. When you catch yourself thinking "I'm failing at everything," pause and try reframing: "I'm learning how to work with my brain, not against it." Small shifts in self-talk matter more than you might think.
When It's Time to Get Support
If you're constantly simmering with anger that's affecting your relationships, your self-worth, or your ability to function day-to-day, reaching out for professional support isn't a sign of failure, it's a sign of wisdom.
A therapist or ADHD coach who understands the specific challenges women with ADHD face can help you:
Identify where your anger is really coming from
Develop personalized tools for expressing emotions constructively
Process past experiences that may be contributing to current patterns
Build a healthier relationship with yourself and your feelings
You Deserve to Put It Down
If you're carrying anger on the inside, it doesn't mean something is wrong with you. It means you've been holding too much in for too long. You've been strong. You've been accommodating. You've been trying so hard to keep it all together. But you don't have to carry it all alone anymore. Your anger is valid, your feelings matter, and you deserve support in learning how to express them in ways that serve you rather than deplete you.
Final Thought
You've spent enough time being angry at yourself. Maybe it's time to get angry on your own behalf and use that energy to advocate for what you actually need. Healing isn't linear, and you don't have to figure it out overnight. Be patient with yourself as you learn new ways of relating to your emotions. You're worth the effort.
Craving more real talk about anger, ADHD, and everything in between? Join me and my fellow ADHD coach Jessica on Angry on the Inside, a podcast for women diagnosed with ADHD later in life. We dive into what it really feels like to live with ADHD, while sharing community, compassion, and a little humor along the way. Hit play and come hang out with us!
